Till deaths do we part...

As shockingly as the last post,
this time, it happened onto my family...
2 deceased family members within a month...

We were all happily enjoying our family vacation during the raya holidays in Penang...
but upon the second day, we received a sudden call from my aunt regarding my uncle who had been admitted into the hospital...
you may ask why...
But, too much details will destroy his name that he had left...
Dad was driving when another call comes in...it had been certified!
Dad loses control and I took over the wheels and head back down to KL after checking out...

Heart wrenching to hear such news...
It's been a while since the last I saw him,before I left for UK...
Never thought, I never get to meet him after I came back...

Weeks after the death of my uncle,
I'm preparing myself for the other one...
Been visiting my granny since she admitted into the hospital in kl...
Been transferred back to hometown,bentong after the doctor said she had done all that she could...

Travelling to and fro...
Bentong and kl...
No matter how late it is,
No matter how many of my friends stopped me,
I just won't listen...

Because I knew,
If not now,when?
With my tight schedules of work and classes,
I just gotta go and not regret it...
And I'm glad I did it...

It comes to a point that granny gotta leave us...
I had missed her,
Although she's from mum's side,
She treated us all equally...
She cooks our favourite hometown foods,
She made her style of rice dumplings to suit our fussy tastes,
she made pillows for us...
She had done so much in fact...

Granny,
I missed you so much..
Thank you for coming into my dreams and left a message for us...
There's a place for u always,
Right here,in each of our hearts...

Sometimes being the eldest in the family,
Has its way to work its magic...
By means,
I get to spend longer moments with them,
Capturing more memorable memories than the rest,
But with such "longer" moments I had with them,
It hurts even more with the "bond" strings attached to them...
The only difference,one was dad's side and the other was mum's side...

Anyhow,
I know Lord had always loves all of us,
And now that He had asked you to return to His side,
May you rest in peace granny,with grandpa
You'll always be remembered~

A Great Loss

It was lunch time...
I was surprised that mousey called at this hour...
I almost didn't pick it up as I'm pretty busy at that moment briefing the trainees...

the moment I pick up the call...
she said,"Jessie, I've got a very bad news"
chills shivered over me when I heard that serious downtone voice of hers...
and I listened attentively...
"Torty's sister passed away this morning...The doctor could not save her after that last SLE attack and he certified..."

Words seemed to be unable to be spoken out...
As I expressed my shocked,
she continued that there's a funeral wake...

I never thought I couldn't hold my tears back in...
I thought I could comfort torty and Gill at least...
but...
it was the other way round...
we grief together...
for the loss of such great person...

She would have a bright future ahead with so many hopes,
but now,
compelled with so many things undone...
It was such a brief goodbye...
I remembered the last time we met,
We were discussing bout your future studies and such...

Quote from Gwen,
"Human being. Sometimes we always thought that we can control our life, our decision, our fate. Sometimes we always thought that there will always a next chance, a next time. But we are not God, we won't know when will be the last day to stay on the Earth. Too many things happened in a sudden, too much to handle; sadness hitting as stormy, and this time we found how wrong we were."

How true was that,
I've gotta agreed!
Life has always taken us by surprises...
which certain of it,we couldn't accept...

To your family,
I would like to expressed my deepest condolence,
I know it was never easy and my prayers will always be with you...
 "Grant but memory to us, and we lose nothing by death." -Whittier, My Summer with Dr. Singleton

To the sisters,
she'll be forever in our hearts,
and you shall remember this saying hoping you guys will be alright soon...
"What we have once enjoyed, we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us." -Helen Keller

With such short notice,

with such brief goodbyes,

God has ask you to return to His side,

and now that you're with Him and your mummy,

May you Rest In Peace...

Failure much?

Here I am again...
It looks like I've found my answer to my previous post...
But it all seems like it's too late...

...another failure...
he ended up our relationship...
as how much I wanted him to stay,
as how long I hugged him,
as how much I'm holding back and to be strong,
but I can't,the tears flow like a river...

I didn't wanted it to end this way...
I didn't wanted to give up just yet...
I still wanna go fight for it...
But it all seems like it is just me...
Because I knew when you had decided,
You would never turn back...
I've missed you...

Ended relationships one after another,each year...
What had I done wrong?
But I know,the answer I sought,it wouldn't be here anymore...

I didn't wanted to force you,
To speak out,
Nor to stay.
I didn't wanted you to be late for your work,
No matter how much hesitation I had,
How much grief I hold,
How much I wanna hold you longer,
Time hasn't been on my side...

Anna,
Take a deep breathe,
You'll rise again in time...

Self distancing

I had deactivated my facebook account since friday...
For all of y'all info,i had neither block any of you..

I just needed some time alone...
I had never been this disappointed ever...
After a multiple attempts of calls,you chose not to pick up...have you ever imagine if there's emergency and i couldnt reach you?
it just seems like I'm nothing to you...

I tried again tonight,but then again as i expected,you refused to pick up...
I dont even know if I'm alright,
I dont even know if i could pull myself together...
I have no idea...

All social medias,includes facebook account and wechat will remain deactivated...
I'll be back when I'm ready to be open again...

Torn apart,
vulnerable enough to be left alone,
but still in hopeful state,
don't ignore me,talk to me when you can~

The wounded heart

After that birthday trip,that birthday gift she awarded to herself...

That breakaway,
That breathtaking view,
That sunset by the beach,
That explorations & adventures of solo,
She called it,"the solitude time"

Back to reality,
Back to work and classes resumes,
Preparing for the big one,
The doomsday for all ACCA students...

As she sits here doing her final revision before she performs tomorrow,
Thoughts came running through again...
She hasn't found the answer yet,
The question she always asked herself...
Are you totally over it or are you just fooling yourself?
But at least,she gained her confidence back...

Was it really the petty things that get her all frustrated?
Or was she just comparing this person to the last?
Each time,of such sorts arose...
Each time,the same thought again...
Looks like she's going for another solo trip or one with her besties...

Memories were beautiful...
Weren't they supposed to distort as we grew older?
But she remembers them clearly...
She knew the happiness she wanted wasn't of this sort...
She knew she just wanted the one to look after her,protect her,give her the attentions and of course,of all,the one would honoured the promises...

Is it true a person can only love once?
She seems to lost it...
She can't find that same feeling no more...
As how much she knew her past had passed,
She stills wanted to savour in it...

The wounded heart of hers,
Is it truly healing or is it still bleeding?
All she knew was,she wasn't ready...

The solo adventurer,
The solitude time,
Only the sound of the waves can calm her thoughts now...
All the way up north,
Her longest journey by far... 
As how much going to the beach hurts with the memories,
That is also her only sanctuary ~

The Inner Her

That broken lady...
People around had seen her trying to stay strong...
But some had seen the other side of her...
where she cries, complains, blames it all on her...
Just simply because she's all torn inside...
But at the same time, she doesn't want those who cares to be worried...

Yet...
She hasn't gave up hope...
Although in this 21st century, majority of good men had extinct...
to find that minority percentage,
it's difficult...but it ain't impossible...

She's not ready to be thrown into the towel yet...
She's not ready to pass her whole to anyone just yet...
But...
Sometimes the inner her asked,
Why not another chance?

Perhaps she's recuperating...
Or she's already healed...
All that remains were the scars...
...those that reminds her of the hurtful sides...
She deserves better,was what the inner her told...

Somehow...
Somewhere...
Someone...
tried to win her over...
Giving her surprises she never had once experienced...
Who would showed up outside your place in the middle of the night?
Who would come all the way that far?
Who would ...?

She had decided long ago...
that she needs to travel solo...
to clear her mind off...
to have a break from everyone else...
a way of enjoying that lonesome...
to find that one true self...

She had decided to leave on her birthday as a gift for herself...
A break from the busy society she lives in...
A break from rush hour work...
A break from mindful thoughts...
Though there are concerns from the closed ones...
but what's decided must go...

She's learning...
To be an independent lady...
To be not relied on anyone...
To be not put her whole upon anyone...

Because she knew...
Someday, she'll fall back to the pit again...
which she wouldn't want...
Because it ain't easy to climb back up...
And it has been hurtful enough for her...
For the past few relationships...

One thought of the day,
"If it ain't published, it ain't official..."

XXXX
~All torned but still hopeful~
Annaliese

The Journey

Watched "The Journey" today...
it was way past awesome!!
...and it's so touching that I cried...silly me
Must watched to everyone...
I think I'm getting blu-ray for this as a collection :)

on another note...
I'm not sure where to head...
in 2014, I vow-ed with no resolutions...
just let it flow...
let it be the fear of regrets to conquer & guide me thru so that every decisions I made would not be sth that I will regret deeply in the future...

My heart still beats...
It jumps...
but..
at the same time,
it still hurts...with the phobia over-coming me
the fear of my history to be repeated when it had been repeated thrice...
what shall I do?

That pain...
I could still remember clearly...
That fear...
of losing one...