Failure much?

Here I am again...
It looks like I've found my answer to my previous post...
But it all seems like it's too late...

...another failure...
he ended up our relationship...
as how much I wanted him to stay,
as how long I hugged him,
as how much I'm holding back and to be strong,
but I can't,the tears flow like a river...

I didn't wanted it to end this way...
I didn't wanted to give up just yet...
I still wanna go fight for it...
But it all seems like it is just me...
Because I knew when you had decided,
You would never turn back...
I've missed you...

Ended relationships one after another,each year...
What had I done wrong?
But I know,the answer I sought,it wouldn't be here anymore...

I didn't wanted to force you,
To speak out,
Nor to stay.
I didn't wanted you to be late for your work,
No matter how much hesitation I had,
How much grief I hold,
How much I wanna hold you longer,
Time hasn't been on my side...

Anna,
Take a deep breathe,
You'll rise again in time...

Self distancing

I had deactivated my facebook account since friday...
For all of y'all info,i had neither block any of you..

I just needed some time alone...
I had never been this disappointed ever...
After a multiple attempts of calls,you chose not to pick up...have you ever imagine if there's emergency and i couldnt reach you?
it just seems like I'm nothing to you...

I tried again tonight,but then again as i expected,you refused to pick up...
I dont even know if I'm alright,
I dont even know if i could pull myself together...
I have no idea...

All social medias,includes facebook account and wechat will remain deactivated...
I'll be back when I'm ready to be open again...

Torn apart,
vulnerable enough to be left alone,
but still in hopeful state,
don't ignore me,talk to me when you can~

The wounded heart

After that birthday trip,that birthday gift she awarded to herself...

That breakaway,
That breathtaking view,
That sunset by the beach,
That explorations & adventures of solo,
She called it,"the solitude time"

Back to reality,
Back to work and classes resumes,
Preparing for the big one,
The doomsday for all ACCA students...

As she sits here doing her final revision before she performs tomorrow,
Thoughts came running through again...
She hasn't found the answer yet,
The question she always asked herself...
Are you totally over it or are you just fooling yourself?
But at least,she gained her confidence back...

Was it really the petty things that get her all frustrated?
Or was she just comparing this person to the last?
Each time,of such sorts arose...
Each time,the same thought again...
Looks like she's going for another solo trip or one with her besties...

Memories were beautiful...
Weren't they supposed to distort as we grew older?
But she remembers them clearly...
She knew the happiness she wanted wasn't of this sort...
She knew she just wanted the one to look after her,protect her,give her the attentions and of course,of all,the one would honoured the promises...

Is it true a person can only love once?
She seems to lost it...
She can't find that same feeling no more...
As how much she knew her past had passed,
She stills wanted to savour in it...

The wounded heart of hers,
Is it truly healing or is it still bleeding?
All she knew was,she wasn't ready...

The solo adventurer,
The solitude time,
Only the sound of the waves can calm her thoughts now...
All the way up north,
Her longest journey by far... 
As how much going to the beach hurts with the memories,
That is also her only sanctuary ~

The Inner Her

That broken lady...
People around had seen her trying to stay strong...
But some had seen the other side of her...
where she cries, complains, blames it all on her...
Just simply because she's all torn inside...
But at the same time, she doesn't want those who cares to be worried...

Yet...
She hasn't gave up hope...
Although in this 21st century, majority of good men had extinct...
to find that minority percentage,
it's difficult...but it ain't impossible...

She's not ready to be thrown into the towel yet...
She's not ready to pass her whole to anyone just yet...
But...
Sometimes the inner her asked,
Why not another chance?

Perhaps she's recuperating...
Or she's already healed...
All that remains were the scars...
...those that reminds her of the hurtful sides...
She deserves better,was what the inner her told...

Somehow...
Somewhere...
Someone...
tried to win her over...
Giving her surprises she never had once experienced...
Who would showed up outside your place in the middle of the night?
Who would come all the way that far?
Who would ...?

She had decided long ago...
that she needs to travel solo...
to clear her mind off...
to have a break from everyone else...
a way of enjoying that lonesome...
to find that one true self...

She had decided to leave on her birthday as a gift for herself...
A break from the busy society she lives in...
A break from rush hour work...
A break from mindful thoughts...
Though there are concerns from the closed ones...
but what's decided must go...

She's learning...
To be an independent lady...
To be not relied on anyone...
To be not put her whole upon anyone...

Because she knew...
Someday, she'll fall back to the pit again...
which she wouldn't want...
Because it ain't easy to climb back up...
And it has been hurtful enough for her...
For the past few relationships...

One thought of the day,
"If it ain't published, it ain't official..."

XXXX
~All torned but still hopeful~
Annaliese

The Journey

Watched "The Journey" today...
it was way past awesome!!
...and it's so touching that I cried...silly me
Must watched to everyone...
I think I'm getting blu-ray for this as a collection :)

on another note...
I'm not sure where to head...
in 2014, I vow-ed with no resolutions...
just let it flow...
let it be the fear of regrets to conquer & guide me thru so that every decisions I made would not be sth that I will regret deeply in the future...

My heart still beats...
It jumps...
but..
at the same time,
it still hurts...with the phobia over-coming me
the fear of my history to be repeated when it had been repeated thrice...
what shall I do?

That pain...
I could still remember clearly...
That fear...
of losing one...

I moved on...in another way

It's been months now since we go on separate paths...
We no longer speak to each other,
We no longer are friends as I find out the truth behind the lies,
We are just plain strangers.

Quoting gf's question,"Which is scarier, seeing one become strangers or strangers become one"
Check it out here,below on what is the thought behind it...
Grace's thought which I agreed

It had been hard on me in the past few months,
I'm not sure now how I am feeling,
but it sure does make me afraid for entering into a new relationship.

Right now,
I'm enjoying whatever my status is...
what is my status?
LOL

On another update,
I think this is the best Chinese New Year ever!
Although my angpaos are so much lesser.
Daddy decided to come back earlier...
as early as Cho 3 man!!
That means, I get to hang out with my friends!
I met new ppl...
most importantly is that I get to spend so much time with them after so long..
ya know,
after I cancelled wateva plans when andrew is free for me...
Ops, sorry y'all :X
But it's over now ;)
Friends are the best!

hmmm...
I never thought being single is this fun,
less things to think over,
not being affected or affecting other half for whatever decision you're making..
But still,
I have stuff to sort it out
Like am I really over it or I'm just fooling myself and being pretentious?

In the next couple of days,
ACCA RESULTS WILL BE RELEASE!!!
JENG JENG JENG!!
shitttt...
my heart is thumping and as the days get closer, 
I could barely feel my heart anymore :P

It is less than 5 days now

*Deep inhalation*

whatever it is, I'll have to face it...

Oh well :D

Another news,

I can't wait for my valentine's date with my besties!!

she'll be flying over from Singapore!

SO EXCITED!!! 

LOL

tomorrow work starts,

sigh...

I guess, 

after the long holidays,

I'm a piggie now...

in other words,

effing lazy :P

and I have to face that pile of shittie accounts...

Love me new header not?

From this...

TO THIS...!!

But I love it as it resembles the very recent,very deeply buried reminiscences :D

Time to sign off~

Until next time...

xxx

21112013 I lost him~

The day I lost the man I loved so deeply~

It's ironic isn't it when the last post of my blog was bout our lil sweet stories?
The time has come for us to go on a separate path...
No matter how reluctant I am, or how much grief I have in me,
For this man, I would need to let him go...

Yes,I'm predictable...
But, he knew me well too...in a sense that, I can never love anymore...
Not at this point...
It hurts so much that when he wanted to leave but he couldn't
and for that...i decided to lift up his burden by taking back my stuffs in his closet and the set of our memories (photos)
But I made a promise long ago,
to never let him worried...let it be my health or my daily activities...

It actually takes up a lot of courage to meet that one person you loved so much for the last time and knowing that it'll be the end for the both of us...
I hope it will end up smoothly...with lesser tears...
Because I know it's impossible to not cry...
and it's freaking tomorrow night!!

Coming back from the UK,
was a decision made because i wanted to be with my loved ones...
I never did regret doing such decision altho I know I had a future there...
it is simply because coming back, had created so much more memories for us :)
I remembered, during the year,
On CNY itself, I spent more time with him and his family members...
We went to Pangkor,riding the bike around the town like country girl and boy
We did have some awesome time playing video games...

Yeap...it is not working out was what he said to me...
Sigh...
Tears rolling down my cheeks for the whole day,working or not...
It still rolls down uncontrollably...
It may look unprofessional I know...
but I have feelings too...
I'm trying to hide all that emotional looks...
But it seems like I'm not strong enough...

I just wanna hide in a corner...
where no one could see my tears,my fears and my sadness

There's no more turning back...
Goodbye MyHeart!

Perhaps,I'm moving too slow...

Or...was it you who had moved too quickly?

But I know, the love we once shared was real~

And I still love...